Make me one with everything.
Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife?
He needed his space
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
“Oh sheet!"
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion!
It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it’s only mild.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless!
Why don’t ants get sick?
They have anty-bodies.
Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?
It’s making headlines.
I’m thinking about removing my spine.
I feel like it’s only holding me back.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’m terrified of elevators…
… so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
I used to hate facial hair…
… but then it grew on me.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
“Oops!”
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